I accept my ‘lumpy days’, those days when you carry a lump in your throat and maybe shed a few tears watching a chick flick.

A very dear friend of mine’s Mum was coming to the end of her life, I was blessed that I was able to offer her support and empathy, I appreciated her feelings, I knew how it felt to lose your Mum. It was when she messaged me to say Mum had passed, that I was knocked off my feet to say the least.

I spent most of the weekend in tears, exhausted, feeling emotions that I had subconsciously put a lid on for months.  It created space to BE. I hadn’t been walking my talk! I hadn’t actually shared how I was truly feeling for months, losing both mum and dad in the space of 3 months as well as support Don through his on going cancer treatment was taking its toll.

Here are a few things that I surfaced for me;

  • The “Lockdown” stopped my physical soul energy re-charging, monthly reiki share and reflexology sessions, I hadn’t replaced these with conscious actions to make time for self-care at home. Now I am making time for meditation and quiet time.
  • I had stopped physical exercise despite knowing that I knew that it was good for my mental & physical well-being. I am now training 3 times a week, socially distanced to help a friend’s son gain experience as a PT.
  • I was disconnected with Don, I missed him. His need for shielding had meant he was spending all of the time at the house, I was typically walking Hamish our dog alone ( that was what we did together).  We were both spending our days heads in laptops putting respective business plans in place.  This wasn’t how I visualised our life to be together.  We’ve pledged to make time to be together, simple impromptu cwtshes have made a huge difference.
  • I had stopped daily gratitude journaling, this was a LIGHT BULB moment, since Don’s diagnosis I had been capturing how I was feeling. Why I had stopped? – I realise I was subconsciously ignoring my feelings.  I’m back on it!

I knew how much it meant to me having friends at my Mum’s funeral, so despite the unusual circumstances of the pandemic I was able to show my support at her Mum’s funeral, it was a beautiful service.  I wasn’t expecting the tears that flowed from my eyes (I hadn’t even thought about taking a tissue) and I sang tunelessly during the hymns, but I am so glad that I was there for her.

I can’t change the situation with Don’s cancer, or bring Mum and Dad back.  I can speak my truth, choose how I feel and do things that will allow me to heal.

It takes courage to share how we are feeling and release any fear of judgement.  Being surrounded by people that create the space to do this is priceless.

I accept I am living with grief, there will continue to be triggers, making time to BE is part of my healing process and I embrace it with an open heart.